It's 20 seconds to go in the 2007 Rugby World Cup final in the Stade de France and you are about to take the penalty that will decide the match.
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About 40,000 South Africans, Frenchmen and other foreigners are baying at you, praying for a miss. An equal number of Englishmen are imploring you to score.
Heart pounding, you place the ball, take a few steps back and come charging in to connect. The ball soars, propelled by the roar of the crowd. And misses by a mile.
The South Africans whoop in delight, the English start throwing cans of beer — full ones — at you, and your teammates shun you in disgust. The alarm goes off and you awake from your nightmare wondering how it could all have gone so wrong. The answer's simple: you didn't do The Jonny.
Yes, The Jonny. The weird but effective kicking technique devised by the England fly-half Jonny Wilkinson. It may look painful but it works — and there are almost 1,000 points in international rugby to prove it. So how to master it?
Easy. Follow The Daily Telegraph guide and soon you too will be the toast of the nation, going out with the blonde daughter of a scaffolding millionaire. So here goes.
Step one: Place the ball on the kicking tee (the tiny plastic thing that stops it from falling over). Make sure the stitching of the ball is in line with the target, which is the middle of the posts. Do this with a fierce look of concentration.
Step two: Take four steps back and then slightly to the right, creating a near 90 degree angle between you, the ball and the posts.
Step three: Stand with your legs slightly bent, shoulder width apart. Beware: your bum will look big.
Step four: The praying mantis. Bring your arms together in front of you, as if in prayer. Clench your left hand into a fist and wrap your right hand around it. Jonny says this helps him channel mental energy to his foot.
Step five: Stare at the posts with a slightly demonic look in your eyes. Imagine a woman called Doris 20 rows behind the posts; this is what Jonny does. Focus on Doris. Run up with your non-kicking-side arm across your chest and boot the ball at poor old Doris.
Step six: After final whistle, grab nearest teammate (if that happens to be Will Greenwood so much the better) and scream "World Cup! World Cup!" in his ear.
Step seven: Take a call from your agent. You've done The Jonny.
